restlessness

with a lot of things that needs to be done, that i'm doing and that i should be doing, i still feel like i am inactive, passive, lazy, unproductive.. a waste of space. it seems i'm being pulled in various different directions and i don't know how to centre myself.

i feel tired... and yet i'm not even doing anything.

i feel burnt out with work. not because i am doing too many things but just feel like i'm over it. i'm over with the crap i get from customers, i'm over with the crap i get with other staff, i'm over with the crap that others keep moaning about that i feel they shouldn't be complaning about in the first place. i. am. just. over. it. but i can't leave yet. i need the job. more specific, i need the money.

my family needs support. my mum seems to be in the hospital more often than we all like. my nephew's just been treated for pneumonia.

so i can't leave. yet.

and when i can, what do i want to do instead? i hate having to ask myself this over and over. i feel disheartened that i don't know what i can do. that i have the options and resources to upskill but i don't even know what i want to study and that i don't even know what kind of job i like. well... i mean, i know what kind of job i like. i like a job with the least interaction with crappy people as i can, i like a job where i can be creative, i like a job where i can be systematic and organized and be paid for it, i like a job where i can use computer and explore computer tools without being to techy about it. so... is there a job like that?