My very first laptop! Woohoo! It’s so new that I don’t even know what I want to do. It doesn’t help that it’s not connected online yet but still, surely there’s something I can do offline. Whatever it is. Gosh! It’s been so long since I’ve used a computer without being online that I don’t know what I can do. Haha.

Ok. I need to install programs like photoshop and a properly licensed Microsoft Windows Office pack. Apparently mine is just a 60-day trial pack. Ok... I don’t know why it did that but I was typing and the Word windows just closed. Hmmm... Windows 7 is so sensitive.

It feels so nice to be able to use the computer while sitting on the couch. A lot of times I don’t like using the Desktop coz I have to sit on a chair and it’s uncomfortable.

Enough about my mint laptop.

Christmas in New Zealand.

It’s my third Christmas in New Zealand and nothing’s changed. I still find it really boring and void of any Christmas spirit at all. I mean, Philippine Christmas spirit.

For starters, no annoying carollers. It may be annoying but those little kids singing Christmas songs (or at least try to mumble their way to it) can be fun. It makes the evenings really noisy and cheerful. And on that note about Christmas songs, they don’t play enough Christmas songs here. When they do, it’s usually something I haven’t heard of before or it can be something that’s nowhere near cheerful. I regret forgetting to bring my Eraserheads Christmas album. I really like playing that over and over every year when I was in the Philippines.

None of the usual Christmas traditions – Simbang Gabi and then puto bungbong or bibingka for breakfast. Yum! Every Christmas, me, my sister and my mum would attend the early Christmas Mass for nine days. We usually have breakfast out during the first day – my shout. And then the remaining 8 days we try to wake up as early every morning and try very hard to do all nine days. Tradition says if you manage to attend all 9 masses that if you make a wish, it will be granted. J I don’t think I can say if it’s true or not. I’ve maybe only managed it one year and that time I didn’t make a wish. Fancy that. Of course there’s also Christmas Masses here, I just don’t feel like it would be the same.

It’s summer instead of winter. Of course we don’t get winter in the Philippines but it is also the time of the year when it’s colder than usual so I pretend that it’s winter there as well. So instead of putting on layers and layers of clothes, I have to put layers and layers of sun block cream (which I particularly don’t like coz it’s sticky and it makes my face really shiny).

Lack of Yuletide cheers. For some reason, some people here are still as nasty and rude as they are all year round. I mean, come on people, it’s Christmas. Can’t you at least be a teensy bit cheerful? In Philippines, on the first day of September, everyone is already floating and all smiles and happy and looking forward to Christmas. You hear carols and songs on the radio to last you til next Christmas. Everything is cheerful. Trees are covered with lights, tinsels, lollies and sometimes even ice candy wrappers filled with water coloured with dyes, just to make an ordinary tree extraordinary.

I know it’s the same in the Philippines. Stores are only closed during the day itself and New Year but because here I work in retail, that’s what makes the difference for me. I used to be an office girl so I get at least a week off for Christmas. I can also go on a holiday.

*sigh*

for the longest time i've been confused and unsettled. i didn't know what to do and didn't want to make mistakes. i still am, i mean, afraid to make a fool of myself. but man, i realized, we only have one life to live. i can't keep worrying about what other people will think or worry that i'm just going to waste my time and money over something trivial. i can't foresee the future. who knows what will happen tomorrow. but i have decided that i will make the most of it.

as a first step, i finally decided that i will take up a course in interior decor. it's not going to be a major career move nor do i intend to really work in that field. i just don't want to keep wondering for the rest of my life. if a lot of things were different when i was younger, i might have studied interior design in college, and it was in a very prestigious school nonetheless. i went on to study something else but i just kept thinking maybe there's something in me that can actually do that sort of job or course or hobby or whatever. well.. i will finally know.

and it doesn't matter if it turns out i can't, my only goal is never having to wonder about what ifs...

with a lot of things that needs to be done, that i'm doing and that i should be doing, i still feel like i am inactive, passive, lazy, unproductive.. a waste of space. it seems i'm being pulled in various different directions and i don't know how to centre myself.

i feel tired... and yet i'm not even doing anything.

i feel burnt out with work. not because i am doing too many things but just feel like i'm over it. i'm over with the crap i get from customers, i'm over with the crap i get with other staff, i'm over with the crap that others keep moaning about that i feel they shouldn't be complaning about in the first place. i. am. just. over. it. but i can't leave yet. i need the job. more specific, i need the money.

my family needs support. my mum seems to be in the hospital more often than we all like. my nephew's just been treated for pneumonia.

so i can't leave. yet.

and when i can, what do i want to do instead? i hate having to ask myself this over and over. i feel disheartened that i don't know what i can do. that i have the options and resources to upskill but i don't even know what i want to study and that i don't even know what kind of job i like. well... i mean, i know what kind of job i like. i like a job with the least interaction with crappy people as i can, i like a job where i can be creative, i like a job where i can be systematic and organized and be paid for it, i like a job where i can use computer and explore computer tools without being to techy about it. so... is there a job like that?

got engaged!
bought a new house!
went back to philippines!

in a nutshell. :-)