decisions, decisions...

since i don't have a permanent job yet and the chances of getting one along the same field of work i was doing back in the philippines is slim to zero, i have to reconsider my options:

a.) i can take up a course in business administration to brush up on nz office administration - i'm thinking it might at least get me an interview since my experience doesn't seem to be getting me any

b.) or work as a kitchen hand/food prep assistant because i am moderately interested about cooking and a big fan of good food - who knows, i might be a chef in the making, although... do all chefs have to know how to boil an egg?

c.) maybe do something completely different like study accountancy, library sciences, web design, database administration, records administration or be a call center operator.

d.) or i can also work as a factory worker, check out operator or nightfill assistant until i figure out what i want to do.

truthfully, i feel like i have lots of options. i just don't know which way to go, because i don't know what i really want to do.

when people ask me what kind of job i'm looking for, i just tell them the safest and less embarrassing answer: admin support kind of jobs. because when i tell them that, i can back it up by saying: because that's what i've been doing. i've already memorized that line. because a lot of people have already asked me that question.

but somebody asked a follow-up question that i didnt' have an answer to: if you have a choice, what is it you want to do?

i guess because in the philippines you don't really have the liberty to have a choice, you just tend to not have any dream at all or forget about it, if you have any.

i'm not blaming my seeming lack of self awareness on cultural differences or the philippines being poor or unemployment rate being high, because there are still a lot of pinoys who know exactly what they want and they're going for it. i'm just giving you a sense of maybe why or why not.

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sometimes i wonder myself. i know what kind of things i like or what kind of activities makes me happy. it's just that i tend to like a lot of other things but none so strongly about. for example, i remember when i was a kid i liked electronic devices. if i have a new watch, i'd quickly learn how to set it into whatever it can do. later on, in the advent of computers, i thought... if we had one at home, i think i'd like it a lot. that's why i chose to study computer science. that and because it's one of the courses available for scholarships. either that or engineering and i don't like doing templates, so, computer science it is.

later on during the course, i realized i only liked using computers and dabbling with software applications, but not to actually program computer softwares. i can, if i really make an effort, code a reasonably running program. so i thought, i didn't want to do this for a living. i figured, if i can get an ok-ish job after i graduate, i'll study psychology while working (my parents made it clear they can't pay for a second degree). but, that didn't pan out. once i started working, i didn't even have time to do some of the activities that i liked doing like writing or reading. before getting employed for a government agency, i worked 6 days a week for private offices. the 7th day i spent doing the laundry. if i still have time (and energy) in the afternoon, i just went to the mall to chill out and window-shop. that has been my working life until i became a government employee.

not only did i get 2 days off every week as a government employee, i also got mid-year bonus, xmas bonus, clothing allowance and a whole lot of other benefits that, although not my main motivation, certainly made me happy. and for the first time, i get to be a real employee, not just a contractual person that companies hire to do the same thing for 6 months and then lay off.

my job description is simple - 1.) act as secretary to the vpaa, 2.) do all other related tasks that may be assigned

now isn't that vague?

i learned a lot from my boss. at that time, of course, i thought she was just being too workaholic and was dragging me into it. but being a sort-of workaholic myself, i didn't mind it too much. later on, i thanked her for it, because it showed me what i can do.

although i turned my back on the IT world, it somehow found me. before i left my job, i was handling IT works, getting recommended to attend seminars, having fun learning new image softwares while designing information materials and working with website. it's still not totally IT but i'm enjoying it coz that's just all about IT i'm really interested in doing.

i think, what i'm really trying to say is, even when i thought i liked computers or IT, it turned out i didn't like it enough to actually study it deeply or be passionate about it enough to want to do it for the rest of my life. which is also the same for all the other interests i have. i learn things quickly, hence the varied interests, i guess. but i also lose interest if a.) it's too easy, b.) too hard.

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it's a major set-back that most offices here hire office administrators to do accounts and/or reception. i have no accounts experience and i don't like reception. sad. i feel like i came from the old age where offices need office personnel just to type their letters or memorandums because bosses don't know how to type or use the computer.

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so yep, bottom line is... i really don't know what to do.