angelo

if ever i had a “first love”, he’s probably that for me. we were close friends in high school. i don’t know when or how or even why i liked him the way i did. as far back as i can remember, i was already impressed with how effortlessly smart he is. i have always been one of the boys so it wasn’t hard to find ways to be friends with him. that’s how our “friendship” started. we were classmates since first year high school and became close during our sophomore year.

i made sure i have extra paper, materials, or ingredients so that i can give it to him just in case, then i’d be on his good side. i made sure my notes were complete and neat so that he’d want to borrow it. i also stay even after class hours (kahit di ako sweeper) if he’s still around. the more time spent together, the better.

and it worked. now we’re like best friends. i don’t know if he considered me as one of his best friends but he was certainly one of mine. we got really close to the point where i began to daydream that maybe, just maybe, he likes me like i like him.

in the hopes that ours will be like a teenage love story with happy ending, i told him how i felt.

that’s when fantasy stopped and reality checked in. he didn’t reciprocate my feelings. he didn’t humiliate me by mocking me but he did something equally hurtful– he’s not my friend anymore. sure we still go out with friends together, i was still always there at their house with friends – but that’s it, with friends – just because we have so many common friends and we’re classmates. everything else changed. stopped.

and yet, no matter what, i had that nasty, jerkish feeling that one day, some day, he’ll realize how stupid he’s been and say he liked me as much as i did.

that didn’t happen.

friends only made it worse. in what they thought as them doing me a favor by grilling him about his “real” feelings, he was just forced to say what he didn’t say before – “No, I don’t have a crush on her.”

of course that came as no surprise but still hurts double to actually hear him say it. he’s not to blame, of course. he was just being truthful (rather than hurt me with a lie).

after what felt like forever (maybe 8 or 9 years) i got over it. not him, IT – that wishful thinking that he’ll knock his head and see things differently – that he might actually like me. that was the start of my “healing process”. little by little, i found that i was able to find love elsewhere. not that it was better but at least it was different. i began to not see guys as either Angelo-like or Angelo-not. i started to actually really like them as they are.

of course, once again, it’s wasn't happily ever after. but then again, maybe because i haven’t found my prince yet.

i guess i must have stopped looking at him oddly, or stopped saying things that makes him uncomfortable because he started talking to me again. yes, talking as in hello? i’m here and not talking as in out of good manners. and that’s fun. i like it, not in a starting-to-be-crazy like but just finally getting over the awkward part and starting fresh.

and i guess we’re friends again – for real.

now he’s not having second thoughts about helping me out because he knows everyone won’t think he’s doing it because he likes me. he’s also starting to talk to me even when he doesn’t have to. i mean, he’s not forced to.

and he calls me Fenny again – not uhmmm… errmm…

for the weirdest moment, i felt something that worried me. it suddenly felt really good being around him again. being his friend again. talking to him again. laughing again. teasing. bonding.

i was concerned. worried.... got a bit loopy.

had to talk to my forever counselor. had to text him that something worries me. so i did.

i asked... is it ok to have a crush on your old crush again? he said, it's ok but with limitations this time. it's ok to just like him but not go crazy about him again.

and i contemplated. am i liking him all over again?

in the midst of confusion, i found clarity with writing about it.

i am not liking him like i liked him before (all over again). i was just merely REMEMBERING.

remembering how it was before, how good the friendship was before all the drama and the silliness. just remembering. not falling in love all over again.

finally, im at peace.

i guess one good thing that came out from remembering and almost going crazy about it is that i loved my martian more now than ever before.

if i couldn't, wouldn't like angelo the way i like him before (now that we finally patched things up) there's no way im going to like somebody else other than martin.