subject: goodbye

... am afraid this will be the last time u will hear from me...

I didnt see it coming. i just thought he was busy.

this is not the first time he said goodbye. the last time it was purely my fault. it was clear from the start how private he is, how he values his own time and space.. no strings attached. i thought we were close enough to overstep that but i was wrong. we sailed through that. i promised i wont be as needy and clingy, that i will behave myself. and so i became the most precious online friend, his confidante.

deep inside me i know this is not forever. i have no imagination that this could ever go somewhere longer than it should be. i just didnt know it would happen this way, this soon.

he didnt even say why or why now? he just did.

i feel like maybe i am a reminder of his past that he desperately wants to forget... not me, just his past. he worked his way through college and beyond. he believes that education will give him the respect and recognition that he values so much, that maybe he didnt get earlier in life. and along the way, he has to do everything.. been everywhere. and sometimes i envy him that. i envy him the knowledge of life.. the real, hard, unforgiving life. it made him strong and determined.

the odd part is.. it wouldn't have mattered if i never heard from him again. i know how busy he is and how everything is changing for him now. but to actually hear from him one last time but only to say goodbye... it came as a shock. should i be glad that at least i must mean something to him to show an effort to say goodbye? but still.. it is goodbye.

but i have no choice. it is not for me to think upon, to argue against.

wherever he is, i wish him well. this is where and what he's always wanted.

i am sad that another friend has to say goodbye again... just because things got better in their life.

i just hope i made their journey a little bit more interesting and easier for them. that in the credits of their life, i'd be there, albeit fleeting.

goodbye, oleg. may you find the happiness and love that you deserve.