the worst way to miss someone is for that someone to be right next to you...
- i now know how it feels

ups and downs... highs and lows... good and bad... damage and no damage at all... that's what the earthquake did - and it's exactly how i feel

a card sent the day after and read 13 days later gives me hope

im drowning and i dont know what to do...

or caffeine in any form is what my day's been like lately.

i've just finished my assignment for unit 2 of my course and although i briefly thought i wish it could have been a saturday again like my first assignment so i have one more extra night and day to do it but now that it's actually finished i'm glad that it was due on friday coz it meant stress is over and i can have a proper weekend.

it didn't help that we have stocktake during the last week of the due date. i had to be up early in the morning and up late at night literally every day this week. i'm quite surprised that i am still awake, really. in the past, if i don't get a good night's sleep for one night, i suffer. but...

drinking coffee around 7pm is something i would never had dared before and certainly not something i would have gotten away with (see i've gotten it down to one coffee for breakfast and anything more than one per day or coffe after lunch means sleepless night) but this week i've been drinking coffee twice, even thrice a day and yet still able to sleep. i don't know if it's good or bad. it's good coz it gave me energy to survive this week but maybe bad coz i'm developing a bad habit?

*big sigh of relief* weekend is here!

so im officially going to my sister's wedding. i asked my super and she's all for it. whew! it was all too easy that i still can't believe she actually said yes. oh well, like what i read from that calendar about ambition, if you don't ask, the answer is always no. better book the flights before she changes her mind. :-)

wedding plans update:

found a caterer we like. the one we've been corresponding with for a year seems not enthusiastic about doing business with us so we looked elsewhere and found someone better. we're going to book kiwicuisine, which offers barbi buffet menus. i'm really interested with hangi menu but maybe wouldn't fit with wedding menu.

next on my list is wedding dress and invitation.

i know i promised myself that i would work harder this year, that i would try not to be too passive. well... got what i wanted. since starting with my interior decor course, all my free time have been taken over by magazine browsing, lecture-reading and working on my assignment. wedding plans have started to take a back seat, especially last week when i had to race to get my assignment done and posted on time. i wasn't sure before if i can handle studying as well as planning the wedding for the second half of this year but i am now sure that the next course will have to wait until after the wedding. it's just way too much work for me to handle both. obviously if i wanted to i can. it's not like i have to do wedding planning everyday. but then if i have to study and then plan the wedding, i might not have time to do anything else which is not healthy as well.

work is not fun at the moment. i feel so under-appreciated. it seems like i have to be responsible for everything and everyone all the time. work sucks!

so i've finally decided (and started) to study interior decor. we just bought a new house and with all the interior decorating ideas out there, it's so easy to get overwhelmed. my expectations after i finish this course is that i will be able to come up with my own ideas to renovate and redecorate our own house. i think the bottomline is deciding whether to go with clean, streamlined look or do an eclectic-themed, bohemian-inspired house. 8sigh* the inspiration is endless. the problem lies in choosing one look.

same goes with our wedding planning.

everyday, i think of something to add to an already confusing collection of ideas and inspirations.

just recently, i thought... well, i can't seem to find a suitable background image for the drawings that i have in mind for the invitation. what if... i print the black and white drawing and handpaint them myself? after all, i am planning to enrol to a painting class, why not give it a try? surely i'll find time to paint 50 invitations by myself? now is that sane thought or just plain mad? of course i can always handpaint one and scan it then i'd have the complete picture on file that i can reprint en masse. hmmm... now that's not such a bad idea.

*logs off and goes back to my assignment before getting distracted further*

i just can't stop looking at my new blog template. i so like the girl with the white summer dress with striped socks and boots. it's so me. that is so my kind of outfit. and the colours are exactly my fave.

im trying to finish my moodboard. so far so good. there's just one piece that im not totally sure. it's the right photo for the idea but the colour is overwhelming the existing scheme.

i will continue rummaging through the magazines to find the right one.

*going back to work*

alone on valentine's day, that's very typical for me. lately i don't really care much for the occassion but today i was in the supermarket with one piece of steak for lunch in my shopping basket when i thought, hmmm... should i get two so it's not too obvious that i'm alone on valentine's day? in the end better judgement won and i paid for the one i already have but it was just very curious that i would think that. how many women do that? how many of us will resort to such thing just to avoid admitting that yes, we're alone on valentine's day?

flowers. chocolates. dinner date. if we have all of them will that really make us happier? i can always buy myself chocolate whenever i want. i don't have to wait for someone to get me one. i would go out have dinner by myself if i feel so inclined. it's no biggie. as for flowers, i dont really see the point of buying one for myself. i feel like flowers are best given or received, unless you just want to decorate your house.

having said all of that, it's not like im unattached coz i am still very much happily engaged. i just thought it really interesting my reaction this morning.

i thought it's time to give my blog a make over. it might still change but i quiet like it. i will just tweak a few features here and there.

i've also got a new blog, which i am really excited about. it's about our house and my interior design course.

instead of signing up to yet another wedding website, i decided i would just use blog as our wedding website. all we really need is an online facility to let everyone know about relevant information regarding our wedding. our friends, who are mostly online people, can just email us for rsvp. here's the tentative website

in addition to now having to maintain 3 blogs, i have also taken up interior decor course and obviously will also be planning the wedding. i am equally excited to do all of it. i just hope i don't get stressed while doing it.

fun!

My very first laptop! Woohoo! It’s so new that I don’t even know what I want to do. It doesn’t help that it’s not connected online yet but still, surely there’s something I can do offline. Whatever it is. Gosh! It’s been so long since I’ve used a computer without being online that I don’t know what I can do. Haha.

Ok. I need to install programs like photoshop and a properly licensed Microsoft Windows Office pack. Apparently mine is just a 60-day trial pack. Ok... I don’t know why it did that but I was typing and the Word windows just closed. Hmmm... Windows 7 is so sensitive.

It feels so nice to be able to use the computer while sitting on the couch. A lot of times I don’t like using the Desktop coz I have to sit on a chair and it’s uncomfortable.

Enough about my mint laptop.

Christmas in New Zealand.

It’s my third Christmas in New Zealand and nothing’s changed. I still find it really boring and void of any Christmas spirit at all. I mean, Philippine Christmas spirit.

For starters, no annoying carollers. It may be annoying but those little kids singing Christmas songs (or at least try to mumble their way to it) can be fun. It makes the evenings really noisy and cheerful. And on that note about Christmas songs, they don’t play enough Christmas songs here. When they do, it’s usually something I haven’t heard of before or it can be something that’s nowhere near cheerful. I regret forgetting to bring my Eraserheads Christmas album. I really like playing that over and over every year when I was in the Philippines.

None of the usual Christmas traditions – Simbang Gabi and then puto bungbong or bibingka for breakfast. Yum! Every Christmas, me, my sister and my mum would attend the early Christmas Mass for nine days. We usually have breakfast out during the first day – my shout. And then the remaining 8 days we try to wake up as early every morning and try very hard to do all nine days. Tradition says if you manage to attend all 9 masses that if you make a wish, it will be granted. J I don’t think I can say if it’s true or not. I’ve maybe only managed it one year and that time I didn’t make a wish. Fancy that. Of course there’s also Christmas Masses here, I just don’t feel like it would be the same.

It’s summer instead of winter. Of course we don’t get winter in the Philippines but it is also the time of the year when it’s colder than usual so I pretend that it’s winter there as well. So instead of putting on layers and layers of clothes, I have to put layers and layers of sun block cream (which I particularly don’t like coz it’s sticky and it makes my face really shiny).

Lack of Yuletide cheers. For some reason, some people here are still as nasty and rude as they are all year round. I mean, come on people, it’s Christmas. Can’t you at least be a teensy bit cheerful? In Philippines, on the first day of September, everyone is already floating and all smiles and happy and looking forward to Christmas. You hear carols and songs on the radio to last you til next Christmas. Everything is cheerful. Trees are covered with lights, tinsels, lollies and sometimes even ice candy wrappers filled with water coloured with dyes, just to make an ordinary tree extraordinary.

I know it’s the same in the Philippines. Stores are only closed during the day itself and New Year but because here I work in retail, that’s what makes the difference for me. I used to be an office girl so I get at least a week off for Christmas. I can also go on a holiday.

*sigh*

for the longest time i've been confused and unsettled. i didn't know what to do and didn't want to make mistakes. i still am, i mean, afraid to make a fool of myself. but man, i realized, we only have one life to live. i can't keep worrying about what other people will think or worry that i'm just going to waste my time and money over something trivial. i can't foresee the future. who knows what will happen tomorrow. but i have decided that i will make the most of it.

as a first step, i finally decided that i will take up a course in interior decor. it's not going to be a major career move nor do i intend to really work in that field. i just don't want to keep wondering for the rest of my life. if a lot of things were different when i was younger, i might have studied interior design in college, and it was in a very prestigious school nonetheless. i went on to study something else but i just kept thinking maybe there's something in me that can actually do that sort of job or course or hobby or whatever. well.. i will finally know.

and it doesn't matter if it turns out i can't, my only goal is never having to wonder about what ifs...

with a lot of things that needs to be done, that i'm doing and that i should be doing, i still feel like i am inactive, passive, lazy, unproductive.. a waste of space. it seems i'm being pulled in various different directions and i don't know how to centre myself.

i feel tired... and yet i'm not even doing anything.

i feel burnt out with work. not because i am doing too many things but just feel like i'm over it. i'm over with the crap i get from customers, i'm over with the crap i get with other staff, i'm over with the crap that others keep moaning about that i feel they shouldn't be complaning about in the first place. i. am. just. over. it. but i can't leave yet. i need the job. more specific, i need the money.

my family needs support. my mum seems to be in the hospital more often than we all like. my nephew's just been treated for pneumonia.

so i can't leave. yet.

and when i can, what do i want to do instead? i hate having to ask myself this over and over. i feel disheartened that i don't know what i can do. that i have the options and resources to upskill but i don't even know what i want to study and that i don't even know what kind of job i like. well... i mean, i know what kind of job i like. i like a job with the least interaction with crappy people as i can, i like a job where i can be creative, i like a job where i can be systematic and organized and be paid for it, i like a job where i can use computer and explore computer tools without being to techy about it. so... is there a job like that?